Chapter 10: Moving Forward
• GRACE FOR KATHLEEN •
• 1. Childhood Bliss •
• 2. The Breakdown •
• 3. A Normal Life •
• 4. The Plumbing Days •
• 5. Illness Returns •
• 6. Samoa •
• 7. Under Attack •
• 8. A Calm in the Storm •
• 9. Another World •
• 10. Moving Forward •
• 11. Closing Words •
• 12. The Awakening: The Reality of Mental Illness •
• POETRY •
As I was walking down a street after shopping I seen this store and on the window it said spiritual cleansing I walked in the shop and they had tons of religious candles a case of all kinds of weird stuff I asked the man what do you do for a spiritual cleansing? He said well first I have to read your cards, they tell me how to help you, then he said ya we are like little army soilgers to god he loves to play with our minds, and he went on talking about god as if he weren't the loving Father I know, the man said once a man came in here tormented by voices I read his cards and helped him now he jumps for joy he hears no more voices, I just thought my Father is a loving god and I didn't believe a word he said but I did buy a candle he said scares off evil spirits, so I went home and said mom I got a St. Lazereth candle it keeps evil spirits away, mom says there are no evil spirits you make them up in your mind! I just thought your wrong, no matter how my life turns out I never invited or wanted any evil spirit in my life, the catholic priest replaced the devil with mental illness I am seeing a doctor who says she can't help me, well man can give up on me but God never will! I would rather have a Mental Illness then a evil spirit that's for sure with my luck I have both. Well life moved forward and I wasn't getting any relief from the medications I was trying. My miserable life just kept moving forward.
Wow I went to hell and came back I was up at 4am I was crying my back was out I was miserable after a good cry I promised myself I was going to tell my mother everything, I had this overwhelming feeling of anxiety, later in the day I called my mom at work I said mom I am not feeling well I am having a panic attack because I need to tell you how fucked up my life has been I told her I was taking anti-psychotic drugs because for months I have been hearing voices I told her everything and I am scared I want you to come home, she came home we talked I cried, she wanted me to go to the emergency psychiatric ward, I said whatever you want I was seen by a doctor I told him I was taking medication but nothing was helping with the voices, he said well just keep seeing your doctor your doing the right thing. I was so relived telling my mother it was as if I took a breath of fresh air after being in a coal mine for hours, me and mom went to the park and the Gardner was pruning the roses I walked up to him and asked if I could have some he said help yourself so I made a lovely bouquet then we went and got some comport food we talked and I got lots of hugs that night I slept good and could now talk to mom.
Mental Illness I will fight you and I will win! Jesus I trust in you! Thank you for my mother you picked a winner when you picked her for me! I seen the doctor she put me on lithium please work! I prayed to St. Anthony have you found my silence yet?
I told my mother my doctor keeps saying she can't help me, my mom found another doctor for me to see so 11-99 I started seeing my new doctor, he put me on zypreza and adavan for anxiety he told me to wear head phones and listen to music instead of the voices, so I went out and bought some headphones they helped but I couldn't wear them all the time, there were no side effects from the zypreza and I was content the voices were still there and one night I hear in the most demonic voice ever Kathy I am going to kill you, I said Lucifer do you need a throat lozenger? You ass! As tune went by I was gaining weight a lot of weight but I wasn't in a deep depression like I experienced as a teenager and I was grateful for that, I was a jolly fat mama. Candace was number 1 to take care of and I got her to school everyday and with the voices, I tried to live the best life I could. For some reason I was feeling something touching me all the tune and my necklace would be jumping around as it was on my neck I felt my cloths being rugged on I felt as if I was being harassed by a demon, like the voices I just tried to ignore it in the next couple of years I went from low paying job to the next only hearing the voices torment me as I worked the stress from the job only seemed to make it worse. Everyday I was praying I started keeping a prayer Journal and everyday I prayed for just one good day and the lord granted that to me. One day at church I seen some sisters wearing the same thing mother Teresa wore, I asked the sister at the church about them, she said they just moved into Pacifica and ran a Hospice they were the sisters of charity, so one day I went to their Hospice and met a sister and told her I was a ex-plumber and hairdresser and if there was anything I could do for them I would be more then happy to help so January of 2000 I became a volunteer, they would call me to fix a clogged toilet to replace a sink fix the shower handles and then do haircuts then I started watching the house for a few hours a day once a week, I was cooking meals taking people to doctor appointments they kept me busy while I was there. As time went by I wasn't Just putting on a few pounds I was Morbidly Obese my doctor put me on High blood pressure medication and medication for high cholesterol my back was killing me and I just couldn't take the weight off. One day while I was chatting online I met a man who told me he lost a lot of weight after gastric bypass surgery and that he was on the same state medical Insurance as me. I looked into it and found out with doctors notes I could have the surgery I herd about a doctor who did the surgery I made an appointment and went to his office, the secretary said the doctor doesn't take your insurance but there is a doctor in the office now that does so the doctor seen me we talked he examined me, told me to go to the support groups and quit smoking so I did over the months I got everything I needed the note from my psychiatrist said I was mentally capable to handle the surgery but I suffered from auditory Hallucinations, the months went by and I had my routine getting up and writing in my prayer Journal getting Candace up for school writing my poetry when something came to mind. I was always praying to the Father and Jesus with my requests for the day, I was always prayerful always grateful for the life I had. The day came when I was scheduled for surgery February 5l 2002 so that day came and I had my stomach reduced in size it was no fun after the surgery but I came through it good besides having a hernia later all went well, the months past and! was dropping the weight the year ahead I lost over 100 pounds and I was very happy I had another surgery to repair my hernia and had a tummy tuck I continued to lose the weight till I was at a good weight for me. After awhile of getting jobs only to get fired I got on SSI for being mentally ill I always told people it was because of my back. Life was now more fulfilling I had a roof over my head Candace was doing well I had an Income I was taking my medication and seeing my Psychiatrist. I always had a poem in my mind and would write about whatever was in my heart, it was healing to me it helped keep me on top of things mentally with all the voices I still herd it wasn't man to come to my rescue it was my lord who kept me sane he granted me graces only I could comprehend, Today I move forward.