Chapter 7: Under Attack
• GRACE FOR KATHLEEN •
• 1. Childhood Bliss •
• 2. The Breakdown •
• 3. A Normal Life •
• 4. The Plumbing Days •
• 5. Illness Returns •
• 6. Samoa •
• 7. Under Attack •
• 8. A Calm in the Storm •
• 9. Another World •
• 10. Moving Forward •
• 11. Closing Words •
• 12. The Awakening: The Reality of Mental Illness •
• POETRY •
The day after I got home I was called by the union to go to work, it was a small three day job putting in the piping for a pool in a condo right under the bay bridge, some of my class mates were there and it was nice to see them, after the three day job was over I called one of the most famous lawyers in San Francisco told them my story about losing my job he took the case. It wasn't that long after I found out my Lawyer went after the contractor and the union, word got out in the union I was suing them one night at class one of my class mates came up to me and said didn't you give a oath to protect your union what your doing is wrong, I just walked away. I got called out for another job this time to work in a hospital in SF things seemed to be going well as the weeks went by then this ass electrician looks at me as I am walking by carrying 2 pales of water he yells down hey you got a nice pair of jugs, I thought man will I ever get away from this treatment? The man came up to me later and said he was sorry for what he had said, I said I except your apology. I went to work one day and as I was cleaning some copper pipe I said to myself Kathy you don't belong here I told my foreman I had a headache never went back to work never went back to school, when I told my mother I was finished with work and school she was happy to hear it. I started seeing another psychiatrist and he put me on anti-depressive medication I had a lot to talk about being in the lawsuit, soon I had my first deposition and after that my lawyer told me not to talk to anyone about it, so I was happy back at home with my mom and Candace, summer was almost over and Candace was to start kinder garden in the fall I was very excited for her. On her first day of school I asked the teacher if she needed any help and she said yes so I became a room mother working a couple hours a day with anything the teacher had for me, I got involved with the P.T.A. and soon became the P.T.A. President I kept very busy volunteering at the school, one night I was standing near my bed looking at something a mans voice says "I am the Terror of the father" after that I started having nightmares one night I herd a motorcycle full throttle I woke up and just sat there shaking. The noise seemed so real, I prayed please lord take care of me, the nightmares continued I was not getting any sleep, on 1-16-95 I went to the emergency room I told them I haven't been sleeping I feel like I had a stroke please give me something to help me sleep, they admitted me and that night gave me a horse pill and I slept threw the night, feeling refreshed I went back to school to do my volunteer work, on my free time I was writing poetry it was spiritual poetry I had a small collection and showed it to people and they really liked it, my heart was full of so much from the past few years I let it all out in my poetry, one night I was sitting in bed and the hanging light in the corner started moving I was looking at the shadows on the wall the light stopped and the shadow on the wall looked like a woman kneeling down and praying I just sat there and starred at it for awhile, then went to sleep, I had a dream that night I was in complete darkness as black could be, then a beautiful yellow flower was there it was small at first then bloomed into a beautiful big flower, it was a lovely dream. So my days were working at the school and working on my poetry at night after Candace went to bed, on the night of February 6th 1995 I was writing a poem about the virgin mother I was writing in silence and I started hearing things a low mumbling I didn't know where it was coming from the voices got louder then I could here over and over again " you can't be a glory to the kingdom of god if you can't be a glory to the people of god" then the voices started swearing at me. I was sitting on my living room floor with a lava lava a cloth around my shoulders, It was torn off my back and I looked behind me to see it in the air floating to the ground. Then I herd this loud sound like a bird fluttering over my head then this force hit me in the head I felt my hair fly up in the air then come down. I sat there listening to the voices telling me I was going to die today, calling me every foul name I can think of all different kinds of voices I was in disbelief I was terrified I sat there all night in fear hearing these voices tormenting me, I can't remember everything they were saying to me but they were loud and persistent. Morning came and my mother walked in the room she said are you ok? I said yes and she went to work. All I knew was I had to get Candace dressed and off to school so I got her dressed drove her to school and went home I put my nightgown on and the voices started tormenting me again were going to kill you bitch today you die, I ran out of the house went around the corner and hid under a bush I sat there for a few minutes then came back home walking hi front of my sister, she called my mom and told her Kathy is acting weird my mom being busy at work brushed it off. I was covered in mud so I went and took a shower in the shower the voices were so loud tormenting me, then I start hearing voices from some of the men from my sewage plant job, the guy that lived around the corner voice started talking to me Kathy your going to be ok 111 help you get away 111 take you away on my motorcycle, I went down stairs the voices started cussing at me again I said I am not afraid of you, I put my boots on and without wearing cloths I walked out of my house I walked right past 3 old men sitting outside of their house I started to black out I found myself in a mans garage then I was at the top of my niebors house that called me to come to him, I knocked on the door a woman answered it she had this look of shock on her face I stepped in the house and said he is coming, for a moment I woke up I knew I was nude I didn't know where I was I knew I was naked and fear overcame me, I walked by the stereo kicking it, then went down stairs to the garage she followed me calling me a fucking bitch over and over on top of the voices tormenting me, I pulled the cloth off the car that was in the garage I got in the car and started it she stuck her hand in the car to grab the keys and I bite her I got out of the car went to the garage and pulled the pipe out of the garage, I had the keys in my hands and tried to open the truck in front of the house I watched her coming down the stairs the voices said she has a gun! And fear pumped through my mind, I had to get away, I went back in the garage started throwing motorcycles around got on one and started heading out the garage door she put her hands on the bike and I bite her again, as I was pushing the bike outside she closed the garage door on my head I pushed it up and then I started coasting down the hill coming towards me were 3 or 4 cop cars swerving back and forth trying to make me stop I got on the side walk and went past them all I got to the corner and stopped the bike knowing there was a steep hill ahead of me, before I could stand up I was handcuffed, the next thing I remember was being in the back of a cop car with a cop asking me over and over what's your name? I said nothing, as I sat in the cop car the voices said there will come a day when I will get you, you will run from house to house like a little pig and I will get you, the next thing I remember was standing in the middle of the street a circle of cops were in front of me, someone put a blanket around me and I woke up in the hospital still on a gurney, then the next thing I remember was being in a locked ward strapped down. Someone looked through the window I said I need help. That day I spent sleeping the next day my mother and our niebor friend came to see me. They let me go to the court yard to have a smoke, my mother told me in details what I had done I was so humiliated I felt terrible, once again I was on a 5150 I had a clear head and did not hear any voices, I wanted out I called my lawyer and told him what happened he said I wish you did not tell me that and hung up. After my 72 hour hold I was home again, soon I seen my doctor the first thing he said was I do not like getting phone calls telling me my patient is riding motorcycles nude, I thought what a asshole. The local paper came out saying a 30 year old woman from my street address broke into a house assaulting a woman hitting her with a pipe and biting her and riding a motorcycle with just boots on, it went into more details saying the D.A. were pressing charges, then I get a letter from my lawyer saying he couldn't take on my case anymore for some stupid ass reason but it was because of the event I just had, then I get a court notice People vs. Bernard I was to appear in quart soon. I was not welcomed back to be P.T.A. president. I went to a school function and a mother comes up to me and says what the hell is your problem? I just walked away. My court date came my Lawyer said when the judge asks you a question say no contest, I said fine I didn't even know what no contest meant. So the judge asks me a question I said no contest he yells at me speak up I said louder no contest. I went from P.T.A. President to Felon paid a fine had 2 years of probation. I wrote a letter to the guy around the corner saying how sorry I was I mailed it when his wife who I hurt seen it she called my mother very upset me sending the letter, she met with my mother and my mother told her about my history with mental illness she told my mom when she opened the door I said he is coming. The world kept turning and life went on I spent a lot of time writing my poetry and praying every chance I got I continued seeing my doctor he put me on lithium. Thinking about the whole ordeal I felt this is more then mental illness I went to the church twice pleading for answers I went to the hospital knowing something was wrong with me, I did everything in my power to get help. Only God could help me now. I was alone in a world of madness as time went by the guilt of my actions faded, and I looked ahead not back.