Chapter 8: A Calm in the Storm

• GRACE FOR KATHLEEN • • 1. Childhood Bliss • • 2. The Breakdown • • 3. A Normal Life • • 4. The Plumbing Days • • 5. Illness Returns • • 6. Samoa • • 7. Under Attack • • 8. A Calm in the Storm • • 9. Another World • • 10. Moving Forward • • 11. Closing Words • • 12. The Awakening: The Reality of Mental Illness • • POETRY •



A mountain of madness is where all be, no shelter to protect or cover me. Something I wrote in my journal. I always had a journal, always had something to write my feelings, my fears, my joys, my hopes, always being grateful for what I had, a home a mother who loved me a daughter to love, and most of all my sanity. No more visions or voices or weird things happening to me. I was doing well but I was putting on weight. I found myself going to church, soon I got in a class to be confirmed, I made new friends and enjoyed the class. I spent my days taking care of Candace writing my poetry which were my prayers, seeing a new doctor taking my medication. With my poetic mind I found myself getting lost in the grace of my Lord.

The secret is hidden within my eyes,
Listen to the thunder of your fathers crys,
You hold the cup of purity within,
Follow the path of forgiven sin,
Look to the stars follow west,
The treasure is hidden in the chest,
Find the key within your heart,
Lead the path of a brand new start,
Get to the gate and bring the key,
The land is fruitful among the sea,
Present your offering I am above,
Treasures you'll find from the prince of love,

My first love is the man I thought would never want me, but he does and I am afraid to love him, because I don't know how to handle true love, I don't know how to love back, its to scary rejection would really hurt my fragile heart, yet he is the only man who came into my life to say Kathy I care Kathy I am here for you, follow me. My first love is Jesus.

Friends stopped calling me, my brothers and sister acted like nothing ever happened, My mother was happy with me I was taking my medication and seeing the doctor. I was depressed I was hi a darkness I didn't want to be in, then the dreams began, Heavenly dreams, I was in a well under the water looking up where mother Mary appeared she threw a rose in the well and said you are a reflection of my perfection. Another dream I was sitting on my bed and up above me was a great ship a man poured a bucket of blood over me then a bucket of water, cleaning me from the evil I had been through, then a rope fell from the boat and I woke up. Another dream I had I was in complete darkness then Jesus poured a bucket of bright colors on me filling my spirit with new hope, filling my heart with love and grace. These dreams were very welcomed for I was depressed and it was as if the Lord was healing me in dreams and gave me more Inspiration to write my poetry. Time went by and in April of 1996 I got my confirmation.

I had no one to trust, now I trust in him, I had no one to understand me, he understands, I had no male figure to love, I love him, I had no hope, I hope with him, I had no respect for men, I respect him, and I had no friends, now he is my friend. I was lost for so long, he never stopped searching for me. Though the darkest days of my life he was there, as if he took me as a candle and sheltered me from the wind.

Peace be with you lord, silent is my heart the beauty of your light is in it, I have not slipped, the moss on the rocks are not there, Lord you are my rock, I am pure, you love me, I try so hard to be good, If I am not pure yet may your blessings purify me, Lord I am your maid servant, I love you! Thy rod and thy staff they comport me.

I relieved stress from writing my poetry, finding myself bored I was reading in the paper about the homeless shelters in San Francisco, so I went to one and asked if I could be of service giving free haircuts, they said yes that would be great, so I started going to the shelter giving haircuts every couple of weeks, giving make-up classes I even went to my school were I got my cosmetology license and got students to come to the shelters and give free haircuts I was having a good time and even taking a bit of weight off as time went by I was feeling better not depressed keeping busy was my best friend. Life went on Candace was doing well in school my mother happy I was living a simple life.

Soon 1997 was upon me, I was keeping busy losing weight taking care of Candace, Going to church, One day at church a friend came up to me and asked me if I would like to go on a spiritual retreat, she said it's called a cursillo, were you stay for the weekend and draw close to God, I thought that sounded lovely and said sure I would love to go, so on 2-1-97 I packed my bag for the weekend and drove to an old convent in San Francisco.