Chapter 5: Illness Returns
• GRACE FOR KATHLEEN •
• 1. Childhood Bliss •
• 2. The Breakdown •
• 3. A Normal Life •
• 4. The Plumbing Days •
• 5. Illness Returns •
• 6. Samoa •
• 7. Under Attack •
• 8. A Calm in the Storm •
• 9. Another World •
• 10. Moving Forward •
• 11. Closing Words •
• 12. The Awakening: The Reality of Mental Illness •
• POETRY •
As I sat at home something wasn't right I was feeling a lot of anxiety I wasn't sleeping good when I went to school I was just spaced out couldn't concentrate I felt as if the world were falling upon my head I started thinking of the laborer threatening me I started feeling paranoid my mind was racing, one night as my mother slept I laid at the end of her bed just looking out the balcony then all of a sudden a man jumped the fence next door I thought it was the laborer coming to kill me I called 911 screaming for them to get to my house a man was trying to kill me, they were there soon and they searched the whole block then went next door, they told me one of the neibor kids jumped the fence to get in his house I was in no danger they reassured me. I freaked out big tune I laid in my mothers bed thinking I was going to die anxiety and paranoia were eating me alive. My mom got a hold of a doctor and got me some sedatives, she found a psychiatrist the next day I could see I told him what had happened at work losing my job being threatened he prescribed some medication and I went home, the union called me to go to work but I couldn't I was 111. After about a week I was feeling pretty good the paranoid feelings went away with the anxiety. I was calm one day sitting on my bed reading my little girl was playing in the next room she started screaming mommy mommy pick me up there's a monster in the room! I ran to her picked her up and said there's no monster in the room just you and me, after a moment of calm I looked to the floor where the light was shinning and a shadow of a head appeared the light in the corner started turning down and then a loud hissing sound came from the darkened corner I ran with my daughter in my arms to the other side of the room I screamed get the fuck out of my house! I walked to the back door and opened it to the sunlight I said Jesus please help me! When my mother got home I told her what happened she thought I was delusional. The next day I went to the local Catholic church asking to speak to the priest, I was put in a room that was well lighted and comfortable soon the priest walked in I introduced myself and then said who is this Lucifer? What's this hell and what do they want with me? He said well us Catholics just don't believe in hell, I told him what happened at my house, he said well being more educated in the world today we have replaced the devil with mental Illness, I thought this is no help, he comported me gave me a hug and blessed me, I left with nothing, no answers. I went home and things were calm for a while I took my medication and went on with life. One night I was sitting hi bed Candace was looking in the mirror making funny faces and just being a kid I felt this fear then looked at the mirror where lips appeared on the it like a breath like someone kissed it but there was nobody there, over the next few days I was feeling ok but there were weird things happening around me, I went to grab Candace's Mother Mary necklace and it flew across the room, another night I was getting ready to get in the bath and my cross around my neck burned me I just took it off, I knew something's not right here was I losing my mind? The next day I went into my mothers garden and picked some roses I got an abaloney shell and put my most precious thing I had in it my gold faucet with a diamond dripping from it, it was a necklace I got when I was a track driver, so I took my offering to the church and placed it on the table and prayed to Jesus to please help rne. I sat and prayed. That night I was at my computer I looked over to the pitcher of Jesus I had on my board it was in black and white a candle stick appeared next to Jesus then a book appeared I thought the book must be the bible. The vision faded away and I sat in awe. One night as I lay in bed I see a man walking across my room he had a hood on I couldn't see his face he had a sword in his hand he held it up over me up above his head then pointed the sword at me then he disappeared. Then I had another vision an army of saints walked over my head I seen a flag in one of there hands there were many and then the vision disappeared. In the days ahead I managed to keep my head together take my medication see my doctor and stay out of trouble. Soon it was Easter morning I got my best dress on and got Candace dressed and groomed, we got to church found a seat and Candace would not sit still she was all over the place I thought this just is not going to work so I picked her up and got back in the car put her in her car seat then said there is no way in hell I am going to church today, just then the crystal rock hanging from my mirror starts jumping up and down it was moving I felt this fear and said ok I am going to church, got Candace and went in the church we managed to sit through the whole mass without a problem, after mass I told my mother what happened, again she thought I was delusional. The next day I took a ride down the coast it was warm weather and I was feeling pretty good I pulled over right on the ocean got in the water and started swimming around a rock in about 3 feet of water then I would lay on the sand feeling good with the warm sun on my face after a while I headed home, my mother said where have you been? I said at the beach swimming, she said Kathy you're not acting right and I want you to go to the hospital, I said mom I am fine why should I go to the hospital? She was very persistent and to make her happy I said fine let me take a shower, I was thinking well telling her your seeing ghosts and crystals jumping around really are not making you look good. So I took my shower and at my mothers request went to the local hospital emergency room, me and mom sat in a room where I was joking around with her trying to lighten her up, I was then called to a room in the ERI sat there for a few minutes this short fat snobby little nurse comes in the room asked me a few questions then said take off your cloths and jewelry and put this gown on, I said I am not taking my cloths off, she said we can do this the easy way or the hard way, once again I said my cloths stay on, she calls security 3 men come in the room and all hell breaks lose I jump off the bed and say which one of you mother fuckers are going down first?!! They grabbed me like I was a rag doll put me on the bed and strap me down, I sat there yelling what the hell are you doing to me?! My doctor walks in the room and said I was afraid of this and leaves. I said I want the police called now! They call the police and soon an officer comes in the room and I said I am being held against my will He said you have been put on a 5150 and there's nothing I can do, I calmed down after my yelling fit my mom and a sister family friend look at me strapped down my mother had tears in her eyes, we were the only ones in the room and I managed to get out of my straps then undid my leg straps got out of bed the security guards were right there strapped me back down gave me a shot in my arm I woke up in a ambulance, I said where are we going he said Belmont Hills Psychiatric hospital and if your good 111 let you have a cigarette before you go in I was a good and I was back to the place I hadn't seen since I was 16.1 was admitted a blood test was taken I had a forced physical exam where the doctor did a breast exam to I was humiliated, they gave me lithium I took it without a fight and was calm during my stay making friends with my room mate and keeping out of trouble. The second night I was there I sat in the middle of the room catching the hallway light to read the bible my roommate was sleeping so the room was a little dark as I sat there reading the bible I looked up and turned towards the darkened corner a larger then normal face appeared there huge eyes were just looking at me and I starred back into his eyes the color of my vision was in blue it was only a few moments I sat there starring at the face and then it faded away in the darkness I sat in awe I had no fear. The next morning a very short man came up to me and said I am your legal counselor and I am going to get you out of here, I went into a room where my mother was and 2 other men I don't remember the whole discussion but I said I have a daughter to take care of and I have to get back to work, the counselor-said there's no reason to hold her here, I left the room and the men talked for a little while and one came out and said your free to go home, my mother was very upset and said Kathy please voluntarily stay here I said no I am not crazy mom, she stormed out of the building, a big man came up to me said get your things and go now. I got my cloths and fortunately I had some change in my pocket and took the bus home. At home my mother said if you want to live here you have to take your meds and see you psychiatrist I had no problem doing that I kept out of trouble and behaved myself. One day as I sat by the front room window I looked outside and a cluster of clouds started moving towards the window the next thing I saw were hearts and Kisses being formed in the clouds it didn't last long but it was nice to see. I went back to the church to see the same priest I was crying telling him my mother wants me in the hospital I told him I wasn't crazy I said its Lucifer, once again he comforted me blessed me and I was gone. Tune went by with no problems soon it was Memorial day weekend I told my mom I wanted to take Candace camping, she said no she is staying home, we got in a big argument and I left I went to the police dept and told them my mother won't give me my daughter, they called her and then they told me Candace is sleeping, they said if you want we can go get her, I said just forget it. I went to a friend's house to sleep I called my mother saying please can I have Candace? She said over my dead body. The next day I started driving to Clearlake with my camping gear it was storming outside and I was almost there on a long stretch of highway there was a truck in front of me I attempted to pass it I didn't have enough time and got in a head on collision with a car my car skidded off the road were it faced the highway I looked up and there was a small car going in circles I got out of my car and soon the man in the car said you just hit a highway patrol man I said yea you just hit a plumber I said at least were alive, I looked down and my shirt was covered in blood I split my lip hitting the steering wheel, the ambulance and police were there I asked the police man to please take me to the hospital I didn't want to get in the ambulance he did and I got my lip stitched up, I called my mother and told her what happened she was crying thinking I was trying to kill myself, she gave me a number to a friend that lived in Clearlake I called her she picked me up and nursed me to better health I was bruised from the seat belt and my bad knee was injured so I got a cane. After a week I got home from my uncle who was up there. When I got home I wrote my mother a letter I don't remember what I wrote but once again she thought I was going to kill myself she called my older brother who came over and said Kathy your going to get your daughter taken away, my mother wanted me to go back to the hospital, I was in a panic and called my grandmother in Samoa told her I was having family problems.