The Awakening: The Reality of Mental Illness
• GRACE FOR KATHLEEN •
• 1. Childhood Bliss •
• 2. The Breakdown •
• 3. A Normal Life •
• 4. The Plumbing Days •
• 5. Illness Returns •
• 6. Samoa •
• 7. Under Attack •
• 8. A Calm in the Storm •
• 9. Another World •
• 10. Moving Forward •
• 11. Closing Words •
• 12. The Awakening: The Reality of Mental Illness •
• POETRY •
From April of 1993 to sometime in 1999 I was convinced I was dealing with the devil that's why there are so many poems of protection and me putting the devil hi his place, I was convinced that what ever I was dealing with I would get threw it with prayer, all I can say now is does the devil exist? According to the bible yes, do the words of Jesus make sense to me yes, do I have a mental Illness? Yes my doctor with a lot of therapy convinced me when I hear voices there not real when I see visions there not real when I see things moving my mind is playing tricks on me, I can't express enough how devastating this Illness is how a chemical Imbalance of the brain can cause such hallucinations, I lived hi torment for years, threw the years I have remained sane threw anti-psychotic drugs and therapy. I still like to get the anointment of the sick and be prayed over for my own satisfaction its away of my healing process, because through it all I have never left the grace of my lord Jesus, I don't ask why do I suffer I just know the Lord has plans for me and maybe writing this book was one of them. I herd a famous soup opera star saying having Bipolar is like the devil having one arm and then god having the other pulling on you, its really pretty depressing having the fact that my life is plagued with voices I love to pray but I cant in silence I always have to have the radio on, So the church says they have replaced the devil with mental Hiness the doctors say your not dealing with the devil your dealing with mental Illness, so let just agree and get on with life ok? Do what you have to do to get by and stay sane and that means seeing a doctor taking your medication everyday, in my case wearing my headphones listening to the radio or TV I love to put the radio on and dance around the house cleaning, my biggest prayer of all is that my daughter Candace never has to live the life of a mentally 111 person it would crush me. but she will be 18 soon and so far so good, thank you Jesus and heavenly father. I am not condemned I deal with it the best I can and as you will see praying is a big part of my life. I was born with a gift the gift of being a poet and I am grateful it pulled me from madness to reality it made me realize hey I am ok and I can move forward doing what I can do to live a productive life, stop looking at that glass half empty and see it have full as my doctor would say, with Mental Illness a brain disease there are still parts of my Illness that are a mystery, but I know there are many researchers doing there best to uncover these mysteries. I hope I can bring some attention to Mental fliness what do I know my book can be a flop or it can be successful I just don't know what I do know is I want my story out there so people can understand the sighs of Mental Illness you hear voices for the first tune call 911 tell them your having a psychotic episode of the voices may drive you into insanity and have you do something awful like they did to me when I rode the motorcycle naked and harmed a woman, I did write a note to her husband saying how sorry I was but I never did get the chance to say sorry in person, it would be a blessing if she ever did read this book and know how sorry I still am, its bad enough I was living a nightmare but to drag an innocent woman into my psychotic episode must have been a terrible experience for her and he family, and with all my heart I am sorry. There's one more person I must acknowledge the woman who went through my whole life tune of mental Illness with me and that's my Mother, besides being a 15 year old mental patient and her always being there for me there was even rougher times as an adult there where times she had to protect my 4 year old daughter from me, knowing I wasn't in my right frame of mind she wouldn't let me take her places I wanted to go, I got in a car accident Candace was suppose to be with me my mother did not let me take her, she could of saved her life, I love you mother thank you. My story is to bring an understanding to people about mental Illness and to bring hope to those who are mentally ill. This is how I survived all these years of being Bipolar and schizophrenia by praying and having a faith so strong I wasn't going to let anything destroy my life, as you will see in my poetry the devil was a very real obstacle in my life that is part of my Illness, and I was not going to let him devour me, not without a fight, so I tried to pray him away, with the voices and visions that were sometimes very frightening I would go straight to God and write about them in my poetry, all I knew was I was a child of God and I have my rights. For he said I did not give you a spirit of fear but of love and sound mind. But obviously I do not have a sound mind I have a chemical imbalance that depends on anti-psychotic drugs to remain sane, sane yes but unfortunately I still hear voices everyday and deal with it by keeping the radio or TV or head phones on all the time, sure there are periods of silence eating dinner with my family talking with friends driving my car yet everyday when I get up there are the voices, I want you dead! I am going to fuck you up! I hate you! Anything mean and negative, so prayer is so Important to me it gets me threw the day no matter how I am feeling, my Illness is devastating its tormenting causing stress and anxiety everyday and there is no cure for it. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with my Illness I say to myself just hang on till tomorrow it will be a better day. The sad and terrible thing about this Illness is some people can not hang on till tomorrow and they take there lives, if my story and poetry can save but one life, my purpose on this planet is fulfilled and I give praise to God for giving me the fortitude to survive, to love myself enough to share my story my humility my sorrows ups and downs to be honest about my life trying to give the message if I can live through this Illness so can you! I went through manic-depression as a teen and as an adult no fun believe me. I can't help but think of all the destruction people have caused being mentally ill, I think I could of killed that lady in the house when I was having my psychotic episode be behind bars and forgotten like so may in prisons and mental hospitals now, my charges where dismissed when I asked for a exspongment in 1999. all I can say to the people in hospitals and prisons is I am praying for you and I am sorry you suffer. Suffer if I must yet in the Lord I shall trust. Where the Lord will lead me from here I do not know, I am but one with a story, may his will be done!