Chapter 2: The Breakdown
• GRACE FOR KATHLEEN •
• 1. Childhood Bliss •
• 2. The Breakdown •
• 3. A Normal Life •
• 4. The Plumbing Days •
• 5. Illness Returns •
• 6. Samoa •
• 7. Under Attack •
• 8. A Calm in the Storm •
• 9. Another World •
• 10. Moving Forward •
• 11. Closing Words •
• 12. The Awakening: The Reality of Mental Illness •
• POETRY •
Out partying with some girlfriends drinking and doing some cocaine we ended up at one of my friends sisters house for the night. We all chatted for awhile then my friends fell asleep on the couch, I just sat there still wired just starring at the wall tripping out all night I didn't sleep at all, my friends woke up and I went with a friend to work it was a donut shop, while she worked I sipped coffee and kept to myself. Soon an old man came into the donut shop got his coffee and sat down, I walked up to him and said, Are you from Samoa? Yes he said, My father is from Samoa I said, what's your name? Jacob he said, wow that's my fathers name, I am Kathy, I sat down and we started talking, for some reason we started talking about the Mble and the 1Q commandments he kept me entertained for awhile then he left. I noticed a man sitting in the donut shop long brown hair brown beard he resembled Jesus I sat next to him and we started talking I took out a red pen and asked him to write J + K on my arm he did put a big heart around it. I went outside to have a smoke there was a man across the way with a brim hat on and a long over coat I thought he was after me, so I took my belt off and started swinging it around in the air in circles, a cop car pulled up and asked if I was ok, I said someone is after me could you drive me home please? They said get in and they drove me home. As I got out of the patrol car I said thank you and walked up to a niebor washing Tier car I said hi I met Jesus Christ today then I walked up the stairs to another's newborns house knocked on the door he opened it I said hi I met Jesus Christ today! He gave me a big hug and said that's wonderful! I went back outside and started talking to some of the nieborhood kids, my mom pulled up with a car full of groceries, mom said hey Kathy come help me with these groceries so I grabbed a few bags and followed my mother up the stairs I said mom I met Jesus Christ today she said wonderful go get some more groceries, I got some more bags and invited some of my friends in, I got some bread and started preaching about Jesus to my friends handing out bread, my mom said what are you doing? I said having mass, I said mom I met Jesus Christ today, my mother said Kathy something's wrong with you, I said I am fine, your not fine I have to take you to the doctors. The next thing I remember I was in a hospital gown in a very small room with a small window on the door I was dancing around singing I was so elevated so high so happy so full of joy. The next thing I remember was being in a small room sitting in front of a man, he was asking me all kinds of questions what's your name what's the date who's the president of the united states, all I remember saying I met Jesus Christ today and the C.I.A was after me. Soon I was in a day room with other people in it I would go up to complete strangers and say Hi I met Jesus Christ today, one woman said she had met him to and pulled out a pitcher the woman said I took a pitcher of a bush in my backyard and the lord appeared in the pitcher, and sure enough there was Jesus. I was so elevated so high talking fast talking about Jesus to anyone who would listen, meanwhile my mother gets the news I have cocaine in my blood test. I few days go by and I was the same saying the same things acting delusional all lost of reality and my mother couldn't figure out why I wouldn't snap out of it, my good friends the twins came to see me, I am sure I totally stunned them by my delusional mind. I was in a different world a world of delusional behavior. Unable to separate fantasy from reality, the person I was before was gone I was hi a new world of fantasy my mind blew a fuse I was unaware something happened to me, all I knew I was happy and Jesus was my delusional friend, I had a nervous breakdown my mother knew. After about a week at the hospital I was sent to a physiatrist hospital were I was put in a locked ward. Being in the dayroom with other people everyone knew she is the girl who met Jesus Christ, when dinner came I would ask the other people would you like me to change your apple juice into wine? I also thought I could change cigarettes into joints, the lights on the ceiling were flashing on and off and I said that's God taking our pitcher. Soon my mom came for a visit I was put in a room with her and a doctor I said watch mom I am going to snap my fingers and disappear I snapped my fingers and said can you still see me? My poor mother looked at me with sorrow realizing just how mentally 111 I was. Days were being woke up taking my medication living in a world of delusions. Not long after I got there I was put on a open ward with other kids my age, I shared a room with 3 other girls. When I would tell someone I met Jesus they would either ignore me or say no you didn't I started tell anyone I seen I love you and so does Jesus, I only seemed to be getting worse then getting better living in a fantasy world. After breakfast in the dinning room we had group where we talked about our feelings and what we were looking forward to while we were in group one by one we would be called out to see our doctor who listened to us for about five minutes and adjusted our medication if needed, I was so heavily medicated I was so stiff walking like a zombie feeling tired all the time, yet still elevated. One day I walked off the property running towards the highway a staff member caught me and asked me why am I running away? I said Satan is after my mother and I have to get to her. I was put on a locked ward till I came to my senses. The days went by taking my medication going to group seeing my doctor always keeping my day busy with either arts and crafts small outings and lots of group therapy. Once a week we would have a group meetings where the group would vote for each patient what level they would be put on the higher the level the more privileges you would have I was on level 2 and comprehended that if I could get on level 3 I could go home for a weekend visit, Level 3 was separating fantasy form reality, and each week I would be left on level 2. the weeks went by and I was improving day after day started coming to my senses with the help of medication and group therapy. After about 7 to 8 weeks the day came where I just stopped saying I met Jesus I love you my delusions of turning apple juice into wine and cigarettes into joints were simply gone, my medication was lowered and walking like a zombie was all in the past, the day came I was put on Level 3 and it was the happiest day I can remember there, I was on the road to recovery. I got weekend passes and did good at home. The weeks ahead were living in a world of reality knowing Ihad a nervous breakdown. Being a model patient I did everything it took to follow the program taking my medication. After 12 weeks I was released to go home. Before my breakdown on a snow skiing trip I dislocated my kneecap and it was popping out all the time so right after I was released from the psychiatric hospital I was scheduled to have knee surgery. After the surgery the pain medication I was on made me a wee bit coo-coo I was yelling at the nurses throwing food around called a telethon and donated 100$ I didn't have. I managed to remain sane and was released with a cast on my leg. Finally I was home sweet home. At first everything seemed to be fine, then I started to put weight on started feeling listless no interests down in the dumps, my mother put me hi a school for special kids were I only got beat up a couple of times I refused to go to any school and I found myself rapidly gaining weight sleeping till 2 or 3 in the afternoon, I was deeply depressed. Once again I was Mentally 111 not a high but a low, as low as one could feel not caring about myself wanting nothing to do with the outside world, sleeping and eating were all I was interested in. then the day came my mother told me I am taking you back to the psychiatric Hospital I begged her not to and that night I got a kitchen knife and sat in my dark room and put it to my wrist to much of a coward to really draw blood I just sat there rubbing the knife over my wrist wishing I was dead. The next morning my mother brought me to the psychiatric emergency room, I remember the doctor asking me why did I have red marks on my wrist. After my evaluation I was back at the psychiatric hospital, I was even given my diagnosis Manic-depressive schizophrenic a rude awakening for a 15 year old girl. I remembered the routine at the hospital this time I hated being forced out of bed being put on a low calorie diet back on medication, yet I followed the program I did what I was expected to do. Time went by and once again I was Improving taking weight off getting up on my levels being more functional finding things to look forward to. Going home was my number one thing to look forward to. The weeks flew by and I was once again a functional teenager ready to return to the real world ready to go back to school. It took one year out of my life being in and out of the hospital twice. I was 16 and life moved forward. Going from extreme high to extreme low was an awful experience yet I survived it with my mother by my side I was well and came out of my experience alive and well. I didn't see a doctor or take medication after I was released.