Chapter 1: Childhood Bliss
• GRACE FOR KATHLEEN •
• 1. Childhood Bliss •
• 2. The Breakdown •
• 3. A Normal Life •
• 4. The Plumbing Days •
• 5. Illness Returns •
• 6. Samoa •
• 7. Under Attack •
• 8. A Calm in the Storm •
• 9. Another World •
• 10. Moving Forward •
• 11. Closing Words •
• 12. The Awakening: The Reality of Mental Illness •
• POETRY •
On September 3, 1964, in San Francisco, Calif., at St Mary's Hospital, I was born Kathleen Frances Bernard, the third child of Carol and Jacob Bernard, a Catholic, middle-class couple. Soon afterward my little brother would make us a happy family of six: boy, girl, girl, boy.
My mother was a homemaker and my father a plumber. My roots fell in a small coastal town called Pacifica fifteen minutes' drive south of San Francisco. I have all fond memories of my childhood. Mom kept very busy having four children so close in age.
My earliest memories date back to three or four years old and recall making trips to the beach on warm summer days then coming home all four of us kids got in the bathtub and wash off the sand. We had a summer cabin up north on Russian River, and every summer Mom packed us kids up with three dogs, and we spent the summer in our country cabin in a place called Rio Nido, nestled in the redwoods, were everywhere warm summer days spent at the local pool where my aunt and her kids were everyday. We spent our nights walking the canyons and singing. My mom and aunt made all our nights fun. I so looked forward to the weekends, because that was when my dad and uncle joined us, and Dad was fun in the pool, throwing us as far as he could. He always made my day a joy.
Also on weekends we went to Johnson's Beach in nearby Guerneville to play in the sand and water all day long, topped off by a wonderful barbecue dinner dad made, and every Sunday we started our day at the little white church down the road from the pool/river. When autumn neared we sighed but home we went.
Mom always kept us entertained, and I could hardly wait for Dad to come home: as soon as he came in he sat in the kitchen; I would take his boots off and stinky socks, followed by money game. The way the money game worked was, he put his hands in his pocket then behind his back; I picked a hand, and if I was lucky I got a handful of change.
At dinner we each had our assigned seat, and for some reason when we ate there was no talking. My younger brother, the family clown, sat right next to Dad where he made faces and did other things to try to make us laugh, my dad would catch him doing something and . . . Pop! Fork to the head. Every night it seemed something made us laugh, and every night it seemed someone got in trouble. I just hoped it wasn't me. I could not have asked for more: growing up in a loving family with a very loving Mother, a great Dad, safe and secure: truly, we were blessed.
When I turned seven I got to go to summer camp like my older brother and sister. It was a camp for plumbers' kids in Clearlake. The best two weeks of the summer, however, were spent at camp Konocti. When I wasn't at camp in the summer I was at the cabin in Rio Nido.
School was enjoyable. One of my earliest memories was receiving an award for creative writing; another was picking the right number, twenty-eight, and winning a beautiful poem I afterwards cherished. So much for school time and summertime.
I got along with my siblings just fine most of the time. My sister and I shared a room. Basically, I was the slob and she was the neat freak so we had our problems, but life went on. Growing up was a delight.
As we all got a bit older Dad took us on fishing trips. How I loved going fishing! My older brother didn't look forward to the trips and fell ill once or twice. I remember being very jealous dad only took the boys hunting and left me crying on the sidewalk as they drove away. When I was eleven I sang "Delta Dawn" by Helen Redy in the school's talent show in front of my family and friends. I loved to be in the spotlight. Life was good.
One of the most delightful parts of my childhood was getting together with the whole family on holidays. I was Daddy's girl from a very young age; he got up very early for work and came in my room to whisper me awake so I could get up and make him coffee. He always had a great big smile on his face. I would sit with him as he got his boots on, drank his coffee and smoked a cigarette that choked me, and I would wave goodbye at the window and watch him drive away. Soon the rest of the household was up mom getting our lunches ready for school and off we went, life went by happy and healthy with no cares what so ever. Then a night came that would change us all forever, I was 12 and us kids were all sitting at the dinner table mom was making us hotdogs my dad had made a pot of Ox tail soup that none of us were interested in, dad came in the kitchen he was drinking asking why to my mother are you making hotdogs when I made soup? She was trying to explain us kids don't like the soup and a big argument started and in a flash my dad pushed my mother to the floor he was on top of her hitting her in a flash there were 4 kids on his back trying to help mom I fell back and watched my siblings get tossed off his back like rag dolls, I ran out the door went next-door and got help from our neighbors they rescued my mother and the next thing I knew I was sleeping over my neighbors house I was very upset listening to Karen Carpenter songs brought tears to my eyes, the next day mom explained to us dad had a drinking problem he had a couple of warnings in the past but this time he went too far and my mother filed for divorce, my dad moved out and life would never be the same. Mom got her first job at a pet hospital she went to night school to get her animal health tech license tune went by my older brother was in a boys Catholic high school my sister was in a girls Catholic high school me and my younger brother were still in elementary school we would see dad here and there he didn't live to far away in an apartment, he would come by and take us kids out to dinner or out for the day. Time went by and one day I was sitting at the kitchen table doing homework when my dad came over he and my mom went into the living room he was showing my mom some papers and he started crying I never heard my dad cry before, Later I learned my dad had lung and throat cancer, he was in and out of the hospital having a tumor removed from his lung, then throat surgery leaving a hole in his throat, I remember him calling the house I would pick up the phone and my dad would tap on the phone 2 taps for yes 1 tap for no poor dad, I was 13 and never had the experience of sickness and death, at the time I was too much into hanging out with my older sister and her friends I was introduced to pot and alcohol and having a good time seemed to be my first priority. After the divorce mom was busy working going to school and with dad out of the pitcher so was our discipline no more going to church staying out late partying with the neighborhood Kids Being my sisters shadow I would go everywhere with her and her friends smoking pot and drinking beer, after the divorce my mom sold the cabin to one of my uncles it was my 14* Birthday and me my sister and her friend where celebrating it up the river we went by my uncles cabin where we found my 2 aunts greeting us at the door, Happy Birthday Kathy! Come in girls we need to talk to you my one aunt brought my sister to the back room where I heard her burst out in tears I looked at my aunt and she said your father died today, I didn't cry I didn't say anything I just got in the car with my sister and started home. The next thing I remember was going shopping for a black dress. Soon came the funeral. I drove to the mortuary with my brothers and sister we walked up the stairs and to my right was a room with my dad in a coffin my siblings all started crying. I looked towards the casket and started walking towards it without a tear in my eye I looked down at my father I touched his hand with was holding a rosary, I said I love you dad and touched his cold face. Soon the room filled up with family and friends, and our family priest, the priest had many kind words about my father and it was a lovely wake. Soon we were at the Catholic church the coffin was being brought in the church and we followed it as it was being carried to the front of the church I was walking with my dad's sister and all of a sudden the church choir started to sing I got very upset as if the reality of his death hit me in the face and I started screaming at the church choir to shut up! Just shut up! I burst out in grief and sorrow and my aunt held me close and comported me. I finally started to cry and grieve. After mass he was taken to his resting place where he was laid to rest. Very close to his grave was a statue of St. Michael slaying the dragon. My father died September 3rd 1978 he was 44. Since I got caught cheating on the entrance exam to get into the girls Catholic school my sister went to J was to go to the local high school in Pacifica. I was a rebellious troublemaker I managed to get on the swim team till my first report card came out. I was cutting class getting stoned getting suspended for fighting. I hung out with the stoners and kept away from the Jocks, my reputation was known as a trouble maker by the principal and teachers after a year of bad grades cutting and fighting I was kicked out of that school and I would start my next year at a continuation high school, summer found me partying and keeping out of trouble getting kind of bored at the end of summer I seen a help wanted poster at a gas station, I went in talked to the manager and got the job so soon school started and after school and on weekends I was working, after a while I found myself partying with the manager and he would take me and my friends out soon it became more physical with him me 15 him 26 I was happy again looking forward to work cause we would always party afterwards.