Chapter 9: Another World
• GRACE FOR KATHLEEN •
• 1. Childhood Bliss •
• 2. The Breakdown •
• 3. A Normal Life •
• 4. The Plumbing Days •
• 5. Illness Returns •
• 6. Samoa •
• 7. Under Attack •
• 8. A Calm in the Storm •
• 9. Another World •
• 10. Moving Forward •
• 11. Closing Words •
• 12. The Awakening: The Reality of Mental Illness •
• POETRY •
I entered the old convent and was directed to my room to put my things away, I took a small tour of the building where the upstairs were all bedrooms downstairs was a huge dinning area then there was the lovely garden outside then a lovely little chapel as time went by the place got crowded there were about 40 women the staff about 10 women and two priests, one was Catholic I don't know what the other one was, it didn't matter what your religion was. It was dinner time and we all had assigned seating, so I found my spot at the table, then we were all welcomed by one of the staff leaders. At dinner we all went around Introducing ourselves getting to know one another. After dinner there was lots of singing and fellowship and laughter I knew this was going to be a fun weekend. Soon it was time for bed I went into my room got my nightgown on and chatted with my room mate for awhile, then it was lights out. I put my head to my pillow it sounded like someone was mumbling I sat up and looked around then put my head back down I was hearing faint voices I pushed my head down on the pillow, right then I could make out the voices clearer they were demonic voices saying I am going to fuck you up, I am going to kill you, you bitch, and repeating Satanism over and over again, calling me every bad name in the book, for some reason I took it lightly I didn't freak out or have a panic attack I just fell asleep with them talking in my ear. We were woken up very early in the morning the choir was singing and people were coming in our room dropping beautiful flowers on our bed. Despite the voices I managed to have the best weekend possible hearing testimony from other people how Jesus came into there lives, really enlightened me, being treated like a queen was great, I even brought some of my poetry and read a poem or two, the love of Christ drowned out the voices and kept me sane. When I got home the voices were loud screaming in my ear I would try to drown them out by turning up the radio or TV I just thought they were demons from hell and I sure as hell wasn't going to lose my mind again I would just bear with them, it was no fun trying to go to bed with screaming demons in my ear hearing the same things cursing me threatening me, somehow I managed to fall asleep only to wake to them screaming in my ear, I went on trying to ignore the voices I only prayed harder and more often and acted like a normal person I never told anyone. I wasn't seeing a doctor or taking any medication at this tune. Hearing demonic voices there was nothing I could do but pray, when I was outside the voices were 3 times louder it was like I was in an arena. As time went by the lord gave me the fortitude to get by each day, but as each day went by I started getting depressed I was living in a world of madness being tormented by these voices, then one night I was sitting in my living room I looked to the darkened corner and a cross appeared and I starred at it then this evil serpent started wrapping itself around the cross it stuck in my head I pulled out a piece of paper and drew what I had seen. Candace was in the girl scouts and a weekend camping trip was corning up I got directions but for some reason when I tried to find the place I kept getting lost I drove around with Candace for awhile it started to get dark and I pulled into a campground there were men and young girls in front of a couple of cabins I got out and told the men I was lost and me and my daughter had no where to sleep they were very nice and said there's a extra cabin you can sleep in so they gave us dinner and we chatted for a while then me and Candace went in our cabin and got ready for bed I went in my truck and got a favorite pitcher of the holy father I wanted in the cabin that night, soon Candace was asleep and I sat thinking of God. All of a sudden I look up and in one corner was Satan and in the other corner was mother Mary balls of fire flew from mother Mary's hands hitting Satan and he wrould throw fire balls back I was frightened and huddled over Candace sleeping all I could see was flashes of lights it didn't last long when the flashing stopped I put my head up and there was nobody there, I fell asleep when I got up in the morning I went out on the porch and a flock of beautiful white birds flew across the meadow. I thanked the men and me and Candace were off we had found the Girl Scout camp we had a day of fun hi the red\voods building shelters out of wood had arts and crafts kept busy that day Candace was enjoying herself and that's all that mattered, night time came and I said I am going to sleep outside everybody else were in tents as I lay in my sleeping bag starring at the stars, this huge pink star with a blue tail flashed threw the sky it was so beautiful I was glad I decided to sleep under the stars. Back home the voices were just pissing me off one day. and I said you know what? I have no fear of you! Just go away! Then they would repeat what I would say, I continued writing my poetry and staying sane. One day I decided to write a letter to my Aunt Bernadette in Western Samoa asking if I could come out for a visit, hi the meantime I asked my mom if she could watch Candace for a few days so I could go camping she said yes, and I was off went to Russian river swam in the same pool I swam in as a child camped overnight hi Guerneville went up to Clearlake and visited my girlfriend came back down to my home area and camped out in the redwoods I just wanted to be outside near nature, so I had a good time voices were there of course. Back at home life went on it was summer tune and me and Candace kept busy going to the park the zoo where ever, soon I got a letter back from my aunt Bernadette saying she would be happy to see me, so I called my cousin hi American Samoa and said tell your mom I am coming out I am going to visit Western Samoa, so I got a round trip ticket this time. I found it hard sitting there like nothing was going on when I was on the plane hearing screaming demons hi my ear, when I got to Hawaii the planes were so loud at the terminal I felt like hell on earth with the voices as loud as you can imagine finally I got to American Samoa my aunt seemed happy to see me my uncle said hello I said I got a round trip ticket this time, I felt forgiven for my last stay, I went and got the next ticket to Western Samoa a boat ticket it was a couple days away, so one night late I lay in bed with the lights off I look to the end of the bed the most beautiful male angel was standing there his wings opened up and he floated up in the air and came right up to my face he looked in my eyes for a moment then he was gone, I look to my right side there was a angel with no wings a male angel he was trembling with hate he was grinding his teeth starring at me with hate hi his eyes, he soon faded away, I lay on the side of the bed then this little black serpent with white eyes was right in my face as a flash of light came out of his eyes he lunged at me hitting me in the eyes the force threw me across the bed I sat there holding my eyes thinking what the hell was that I couldn't open my eyes right away but when I did I was looking down on the side of the bed and there was a blacker then black statue of a woman she had her legs open and small flames were entering between her legs. I stopped seeing things and went to sleep. The next day late in the afternoon my cousin drove me to the boat I got on and sat down and we were off to my fathers birthplace I was so exited, the stars were the brightest most beautiful stars I have ever seen, the voices and visions couldn't stop my will to see my fathers home. After a few hours the boat docked. Got off the boat got my passport stamped got in a taxi and said take me to the Wulf house. I was very lucky he knew just where to take me it was past lam so he honked the horn and 2 women came out I told them who I was and they welcomed me into their home. We talked for awhile and then I went to sleep. The next morning I got a ride to the Catholic Church where my aunt Bernadette greeted me her dogs grabbed my dress and started pulling me my aunt shewed then away we went into her outdoor dinning room covered by screens to keep the bugs out, the voices said we can't come in there but you can't stay in there forever, I just did my best to ignore the voices, and my aunt showed me a beautiful statue of mother Mary that she had painted, I met the nuns there and we had a nice lunch, after lunch I was free to walk the grounds it was an old church very lovely I came across a statue of St. Michael cramming a sword down Satan's throat always a pleasure to see, we had a nice visit I got back to the Wulf house were I met my dads cousin and his wife he was very nice and took me for a ride around town, I told him I wanted to go to my uncle Theodore's house, so the next day we went for a long ride through the jungle on dirt roads and we pulled up to a lovely white house with two large huts right next to the house right next to the hut was a beautiful Lagoon, my uncle came out and did not speak any English so my dads cousin told him who I was and I wanted to stay for a visit, he smiled at me and we went into the house where he brought out a army pitcher of my dad. Beautiful flowered trees and roses where all around the house I met my uncles wife who spoke in English and 4 cousins of mine that were living there, I couldn't wait to go for a swim so I put my suit on and jumped in the lagoon one of my girl cousins got in too, we swam out to the ocean and I seen the small village, my uncle had two horse's and I got on one and walked the beach before I fell off. I spent my days swimming and collecting seashells and eating whatever was caught in the net that was in the lagoon one night my boy cousin had a fire stick and he did a fire dance for me. While I was there they had a big party after church with lots of yummy food I had a really good time there, after a week I took the bus back to Apia where the Wulfs were. One day I was watching the news and Princess Diana had been killed in a car crash; that night I was called to dinner I sat down and was looking out the door and princess Diana's head was floating in the air then Satan appeared holding her head Laughing he walked over to the table and put her head in the food bowl laughing I managed to take a couple of bites and excuse myself. After a few days it was on the news that Mother Teresa died, that day I was standing by the window and a veil like Mother Teresa wears fell from the sky to the ground then disappeared everyday I prayed to the Lord please let me keep my head together please make these voices and visions go away. Soon it was time to get back to American Samoa I seen my aunt Bernadette before I left and she gave me a hand made rosary a Samoan made cloth a basket and a scarf, she was delighted with the radio I gave her, I thanked her and said goodbye, I spent a couple of days at my aunt and uncles house said thanks for everything and got on the plane, in Hawaii I was walking and looked up in the sky where I seen a vision of the heavenly father get bit by a serpent, I got home it was September of 1998 school had started for Candace and life went on. I was talking to my friend who's kids go to Candace's school and told her I was feeling spiritually 111, she said call my Pastor he is a wise man, so I called him I said Hi my friend gave me your number I just had a question for you he said sure I said I am going to hold up the phone. Just tell me if you hear anything he said ok so I hold up the phone the voices screaming in my ear, I said did you hear that? He said hear what? I herd nothing. I hung up the phone, I jolt of fear went through my body, a light went off in my head Kathy your sick and you have to do something, I called the mental Illness hotline and asked for a few psychiatrists names that were in my area. I got a few and called the closest one she answered the phone and I was crying saying I need help I am hearing voices, she gave me an appointment and I couldn't wait to see her. I made my appointment and we talked I told her my history and she gave me a prescription I took the medication and after a couple weeks the voices were still there she increased the dose another couple of weeks no change I wasn't having any visions but the voices were still there, over the next few months we tried different medications with no relief, I would always return with the same symptoms she seemed to get frustrated and said I have tried all the medication I know and If your still hearing voices I don't think I can help you, I said please don't give up on me and continued seeing her, I was miserable I started putting weight on and being depressed, yet nothing stopped me from getting my daughter to school and well taken care of, cleaning the house and getting dinner on the table. I started writing my poetic prayers and life went on. Kathy your going to be ok I love you your upset your way over weight your back is out you wrote life gets better well make it that way you know keeping a journal is a very smart thing it tells you where you are in life, I am not where I want to be right now but I believe someday I will be, Candace is doing good, put her on a diet with you! So 7 days on a new anti-psychotic drug next time I see the doctor I am going to suggest lithium to see if there's an Improvement, Poor me keep praying. Why are prayers so hard to be answered? Why must I suffer? I feel mentally drained but for some reason I mange to stay on top. There's a path for me to walk down, my life has not been easy, it's been hard no one realizes what I go threw, I wonder if I do? To battle to go on, to hate not knowing, to face the facts, to educate myself, to cry alone, to love myself, god didn't make a dummy when he made me, does he want me to suffer cuz he knows I won't stand around and take it? I wear the armor of God! Know matter what I go threw what I feel God knows why I suffer, Kathy he has kept you sane! Have more faith you can pull threw this day by day you shall get by, I have to do something I know I can write a book I cant be the only person who suffers I can publish my poetry and give someone hope show them how to have faith like I do maybe even save a life, maybe the life you save could be Candace, wouldn't you want to help ease her pain, sure your tormented by voices but you get by, you move ahead, you try to get help, lam sorry you can't live a normal life, but they say there is a reason for everything, maybe your suffering will pay off some day maybe someday you won't be afraid to hide your illness. Just remember I love you Jesus loves you, your going to be ok. Suffer if I must but in the lord I shall trust.